To Ask For Forgiveness

It is with a humble heart I share this entry. I want it written here for my children and for reflection of myself.

Yesterday was a Saturday I had big plans for. Daddy was up and off early helping with the Stake 5K and then running over to help clean the church. I had a nice morning laying in bed watching cartoons with Gator and Munchie. I decided pancakes sounded yummy for breakfast, and so I made a batch up and fed the children. Munchie loved this new food, and threw most of it on the floor. Gator finished first and wanted to shower. I checked his place to make sure he had finished everything. While I also measured Munchies Poly-Vites and administered her vitamins. I noticed that Gator had finished his breakfast and he had already taken his dose of Asprin and gobbled up his two gummie vitamins but had left his Enalipril and Digoxin. Both liquid form heart medications designed to help his heart function better. I grabbed the syringes and looked over to the child at my side and simultaneously administered the meds into the little chick like open mouth.... My brain suddenly understood what I had just done. I had given the baby Gator's meds. Panicked I grabbed the baby for instant signs of distress... I thought "Do I induce vomiting, do I take her to the doctor, should I call a neighbor to come look at her?"  I couldn't think straight enough to do anything but call daddy. He said "Don't call me call Poison Control!" Oh yes, that is what I should do. I looked for a phone book, for a magnet on the fridge, anywhere that I could find the number and finally had to dial 411. They connected me to poison control which was a recording to dial numbers for certain things. They wanted me to dial 0 to speak to someone right away. I pushed 0 at least 5 times until a women who kept telling me to calm down so she could understand what I had done, could help me. I sobbed on the phone that I had poisoned my baby with my son's heart medicine. She wanted to know how much she weighed. I couldn't remember anything in my panic, I prayed in my head for help to calm down. The nurse said that I would need to take the baby to the ER and she would call and tell them I was on the way. I was to drive safely and to get there as soon as I could because problems could occur within twenty to thirty minutes of ingestion. Without daddy home I needed to take Gator somewhere but I needed Ry to watch the baby in the back seat while I drove. I took Gator next door.... I felt as though we pounded on the door (sorry) I quickly told Issac in his bathrobe that I poisoned Baby and asked if Gator could stay with them till daddy arrived. In passing of cars I told daddy I had the girls and I would call as soon as I knew anything. As we drove to the hospital I silently cried so I wouldn't scare Ry who was making sure Baby didn't fall asleep. I was afraid if she fell asleep she would never wake. We got to the ER and I was never more grateful to be the only patron because I cried loud and told registration what I had done. They quickly took us back to a room where they weighed Munchie, applied EKG stickers, a pulse ox, checked her blood pressure and told me why these medicines where so dangerous. In her little body they could drop her blood pressure to a dangerously low level and cause her heart to get so lazy it forgot to pump. In Gator it is dosed so that it helps his little broken heart not have to work so hard.  We would need to stay at the hospital for 8 hours so that they could carefully observe Munchie until the critical hours passed. All of the things I had planned on accomplishing flew out the window. Along with the extra cash to pay the copay I had earned and was going to use to buy summer clothes and sandals for my fast growing kids. I really didn't care much about any of that now. All I wanted was Munch to be happy and normal, and forgive her mommy. After hearing these instructions I called daddy to give him an update and to have him grab Ry so that she wouldn't be bored to tears waiting with me. The doctor came in and we went over everything again. I thought his first question was "How could this happen?" and I cried harder and said "I don't know" He really asked "How did this happen?" He was patient as he listened to me and understood that I was just doing our normal routine. Daddy came to get Ry and I cried more and felt terrible that I had let him down. We are partners in protecting our children and here I had put our most innocent child in danger. After he left, Munchie fell sleep for her morning nap. I went over and over in my head how I had been so careless, why had I been distracted? I cried more and felt miserable. The nurse came in so I could get some lunch and a Tylenol. I hadn't realized the hours had passed to quickly. I called my Mom and Dad. Their strength and understanding and mostly their love would make this better. Dad told me that he understood and gave me ideas to fix it so it would never happen again. Mom shared empathy as a mom and told me that it would be okay. Both of my parents forgave me without an instant of hesitation. I needed that forgiveness. After hanging up I prayed to our Father in Heaven. I wanted Him to know how sorry I was. That I would never intentionally hurt one of his children. That I wanted him to fill Munchies heart with forgiveness for her mommy. So even though she was little she would know that I really love her. Each time the nurse came in she would say that nothing had changed and that Baby was looking great. I thanked the nurse and my Father in Heaven for watching over her. Baby was a dream; she played with toys, nursed and mostly slept in my arms. A rare day for us alone together. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of my sail all day. Daddy came for the last hour and I went home for a shower and to clean the house what I could before Munchie was discharged. My dear friends called with understanding and to tell me that they still thought I was a good mom. As I said my prayers last night with Munchie home safe, I finally felt better. I finally felt like when I asked for forgiveness that I could and would be forgiven. Our Father knows each and everyone of us. He knows that we are trying and that we are not perfect. This was definitely an opportunity for me to be humbled. He was there guiding the people who would help my baby be well again. I can honestly say this will NEVER happen again.