Pages

Life with a boy and his Hypoplastic Left heart Syndrome, now Heart transplant and partial Liver from Aspergillius. Also, a girl and her Tethered Spinal Cord Syndrome, Neuro Endocrine Cell Hypoplasia, Lumbar Hemangioma, asymmetrical gluteal cleft, Pectus Carinatum and two Super Sisters and one yummy baby brother.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

To Ask For Forgiveness

It is with a humble heart I share this entry. I want it written here for my children and for reflection of myself.

Yesterday was a Saturday I had big plans for. Daddy was up and off early helping with the Stake 5K and then running over to help clean the church. I had a nice morning laying in bed watching cartoons with Gator and Munchie. I decided pancakes sounded yummy for breakfast, and so I made a batch up and fed the children. Munchie loved this new food, and threw most of it on the floor. Gator finished first and wanted to shower. I checked his place to make sure he had finished everything. While I also measured Munchies Poly-Vites and administered her vitamins. I noticed that Gator had finished his breakfast and he had already taken his dose of Asprin and gobbled up his two gummie vitamins but had left his Enalipril and Digoxin. Both liquid form heart medications designed to help his heart function better. I grabbed the syringes and looked over to the child at my side and simultaneously administered the meds into the little chick like open mouth.... My brain suddenly understood what I had just done. I had given the baby Gator's meds. Panicked I grabbed the baby for instant signs of distress... I thought "Do I induce vomiting, do I take her to the doctor, should I call a neighbor to come look at her?"  I couldn't think straight enough to do anything but call daddy. He said "Don't call me call Poison Control!" Oh yes, that is what I should do. I looked for a phone book, for a magnet on the fridge, anywhere that I could find the number and finally had to dial 411. They connected me to poison control which was a recording to dial numbers for certain things. They wanted me to dial 0 to speak to someone right away. I pushed 0 at least 5 times until a women who kept telling me to calm down so she could understand what I had done, could help me. I sobbed on the phone that I had poisoned my baby with my son's heart medicine. She wanted to know how much she weighed. I couldn't remember anything in my panic, I prayed in my head for help to calm down. The nurse said that I would need to take the baby to the ER and she would call and tell them I was on the way. I was to drive safely and to get there as soon as I could because problems could occur within twenty to thirty minutes of ingestion. Without daddy home I needed to take Gator somewhere but I needed Ry to watch the baby in the back seat while I drove. I took Gator next door.... I felt as though we pounded on the door (sorry) I quickly told Issac in his bathrobe that I poisoned Baby and asked if Gator could stay with them till daddy arrived. In passing of cars I told daddy I had the girls and I would call as soon as I knew anything. As we drove to the hospital I silently cried so I wouldn't scare Ry who was making sure Baby didn't fall asleep. I was afraid if she fell asleep she would never wake. We got to the ER and I was never more grateful to be the only patron because I cried loud and told registration what I had done. They quickly took us back to a room where they weighed Munchie, applied EKG stickers, a pulse ox, checked her blood pressure and told me why these medicines where so dangerous. In her little body they could drop her blood pressure to a dangerously low level and cause her heart to get so lazy it forgot to pump. In Gator it is dosed so that it helps his little broken heart not have to work so hard.  We would need to stay at the hospital for 8 hours so that they could carefully observe Munchie until the critical hours passed. All of the things I had planned on accomplishing flew out the window. Along with the extra cash to pay the copay I had earned and was going to use to buy summer clothes and sandals for my fast growing kids. I really didn't care much about any of that now. All I wanted was Munch to be happy and normal, and forgive her mommy. After hearing these instructions I called daddy to give him an update and to have him grab Ry so that she wouldn't be bored to tears waiting with me. The doctor came in and we went over everything again. I thought his first question was "How could this happen?" and I cried harder and said "I don't know" He really asked "How did this happen?" He was patient as he listened to me and understood that I was just doing our normal routine. Daddy came to get Ry and I cried more and felt terrible that I had let him down. We are partners in protecting our children and here I had put our most innocent child in danger. After he left, Munchie fell sleep for her morning nap. I went over and over in my head how I had been so careless, why had I been distracted? I cried more and felt miserable. The nurse came in so I could get some lunch and a Tylenol. I hadn't realized the hours had passed to quickly. I called my Mom and Dad. Their strength and understanding and mostly their love would make this better. Dad told me that he understood and gave me ideas to fix it so it would never happen again. Mom shared empathy as a mom and told me that it would be okay. Both of my parents forgave me without an instant of hesitation. I needed that forgiveness. After hanging up I prayed to our Father in Heaven. I wanted Him to know how sorry I was. That I would never intentionally hurt one of his children. That I wanted him to fill Munchies heart with forgiveness for her mommy. So even though she was little she would know that I really love her. Each time the nurse came in she would say that nothing had changed and that Baby was looking great. I thanked the nurse and my Father in Heaven for watching over her. Baby was a dream; she played with toys, nursed and mostly slept in my arms. A rare day for us alone together. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of my sail all day. Daddy came for the last hour and I went home for a shower and to clean the house what I could before Munchie was discharged. My dear friends called with understanding and to tell me that they still thought I was a good mom. As I said my prayers last night with Munchie home safe, I finally felt better. I finally felt like when I asked for forgiveness that I could and would be forgiven. Our Father knows each and everyone of us. He knows that we are trying and that we are not perfect. This was definitely an opportunity for me to be humbled. He was there guiding the people who would help my baby be well again. I can honestly say this will NEVER happen again.
  

10 comments:

Kaidence's Mommy said...

Oh, you are so sweet. What a wonderful mommy you are. Your kiddos are lucky to have you. I can see how that could easily happen because I have almost done it as well. It's such a routine that we don't even give it a second thought. Don't beat yourself up. Easily could have been any of us heart moms. Hugs to you and your sweet chunky little girl. Glad that she is ok.

likeschocolate said...

What a scary day! However, the good news is that you did notice that you made a mistake (which could have happened to any of us), and you did the right thing by taking her to the hospital. What scares me is that poison control took such a long time to get through. Thanks for telling this story. I am sure it will help many people.
When my oldest was about 7 he swallowed a quarter. I know you are asking how a 7 year old swallows a quarter. Anyway, he did! I thought he would probably be ok because those things usually come out the other end. My husband had been with the children that evening as I was at the Relief Society Christmas party. I spoke with a sister who was a nurse at childrens and she told me to go home right away so my husband could take him to the Emergency room and the reason why is that even though it looked like he was breathing just fine in the middle of the night if it was lodged in his throat he could cough and it would switch position and he could die within a matter of minutes and by the time we discovered him it would be too late. Thankfully, the quarter had reached his stomach, but we still needed to watch him for the next couple of weeks to make sure it didn't get stuck in his intestines. Now I tell everyone this story because I want people to learn from it.

LUANN said...

Brynn, you are one of the best mothers I know! We all make mistakes. I am so grateful for your story, because again it reaffirms what a loving Father in Heaven we have, who hears and answers prayers!

JN Designs said...

OH Brynn, you are an amazing mom and all of your kids are so blessed to have you. We all have moments we wish we could take back. I am glad she is ok, and I hop eyou will be too. Hugs :)

Christina said...

How frightening! I am so glad all is well. That could have happened to any of us. I will surely put more thought into the way I set out meds for my kiddos. You are so sweet and loving. I am grateful to know you!

Hugs & Prayers!

J.B. said...

How terrifying. I'm so glad you are all well. We love you all.

berrymom said...

Oh Brynne I am so sorry this happened. You are so humble and full of faith. I have always wanted to be like you and I still do. Hugs and kisses!

P.S. I took some pictures of Kara's little Cooper's neck cheese just for you :) I'll share the picture soon.

Terry said...

Brynn you are an amazing wife and mother. it has always amazed me how you do it all. Don't you feel bad, your family know how great you really are. When I grow up I want to be like you! LYL

Cynthia said...

Oh hun! As you know, I fed Digoxin to the wrong twin when my babies were little. Like you, I realized my error quickly afterward and freaked out.

This stuff happens. We can all say it shouldn't but it does. Once. I am so glad she is okay and I'm so sorry you had to go through that experience. It's okay. I don't think it rises to the level of a sin requiring forgiveness but, either way, Munchie still adores you upside down and backwards. I hope you never experience that again in any way, shape or form!

Becca said...

I cried the whole way through this post. Partly because I myself have come dangerously close to doing the same thing with my little one. I have become a little complaicent with how I give meds. After two years, it's become such a part of our routine. It could happen to anyone, and I know that you are such a good mother to those kiddos. I am glad that everything turned out ok.